My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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