I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
