I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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