so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
