I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
