im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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