well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
