did you get engaged???
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
