i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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