I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
