I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
