dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
