see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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