OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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