The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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