So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
