Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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