I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
