I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
