Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
