I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
