Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
