Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
So. Much. Porn.
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