i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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