I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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