Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
