im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
