His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
