Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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