Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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