I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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