did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
