walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
