there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
