i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
