I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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