Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
