Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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