What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
