It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
