You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
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Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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