I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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