Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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