You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
