I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
