We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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