Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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