Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
