the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
