Screwed.edu
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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