I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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