gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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