YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
