spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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