I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
